The Onion secretly staffed by PETA
employees? Maybe, judging by these 17 articles that look like they came
straight out of our playbook.

1. ‘We
Raise All Our Beef Humanely on Open Pasture and Then We Hang Them Upside Down and
Slash Their Throats’

Rancher: “While frail and pharmaceutical-laden factory-farm cows just droop lifelessly while awaiting their deaths, our healthy, GMO-free cattle thrash about wildly in the air, very often tearing their own delicate flesh and shattering their leg bones in a hopeless attempt to flee to the nearby 100 percent organic grassland pastures where they were free to roam during their unnaturally truncated lives.” I won’t even try to top that.


2. Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful to Monkeys

only truth were stranger than satire.

3. ‘New
Documentary Reveals SeaWorld Forced Orca Whales to Perform Nude’

And when reached for comment about Blackfish, a spokesman representing SeaWorld said … oh, that’s right, nothing.

4. ‘Depressed
Groundhog Sees Shadow of Rodent He Once Was’

Sometimes Punxsutawney Phil feels like
Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.

5. ‘World’s Scientists Admit They Just Don’t Like Mice’

6. ‘San
Diego Zoo Lays Off 2,000 Animals’

Animals respond, “OMG, the
recession couldn’t have come soon enough.”

7. ‘Doomed
Rabbit to Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility’

8. ‘Underfunded
Scientists Force Lipstick-Covered Rat With Cancer to Run Through Maze’

The good news is that now we know
“the effects of acute toothpaste-induced fluoride toxicity coupled with
extreme steroid abuse after hot coffee has been spilled into a surgical
incision resulting from the removal of a genetically grown ear.”

9. Masochist Dog Enjoys Being Walked Around on Leash While Naked’

10. ‘Many
Animals Harmed in Catering of Film’

You can’t help but love the
“PETA” quote: “Nearly 400 chickens, 14 steer, and thousands of
shrimp were viciously killed in the making of this movie,” protester and
PETA member Jacqueline Zimmer said. “And these weren’t dignified deaths.
Some of these animals were deboned and had their skin ripped off before being
filleted, sautéed, and placed atop a bed of so-so rice.”

11. ‘Scientists
Teach Chimpanzee to Conduct 3-Year Study on Primates’

The chimpanzee’s research finds that human primates waste a great deal of money on useless animal experiments.

12. ‘Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit’

13. ‘Burger
King Going Cageless’

Asked what she thought about Burger
King’s decision to stop buying pork and eggs from farms that cage or crate
their animals, fast-food fan Priya Shenoy said, “As a regular Burger King
patron, I don’t think I could make it any more clear that I don’t give a flying
f**k what I put into my body.”

14. ‘Should
Animals Be Doing More for the Animal Rights Movement?’

15. ‘Mouse
Study Suggests Soda Consumption May Be Fatal’

In other news, hey, guess what?!
Americans are fat.

16. ‘Jockey
Liam Hollins the Favorite to Brutally Whip Horse to Kentucky Derby Win’

17. ‘Children
of All Ages Delighted by Enslavement of Topsy the Elephant’

who spotted the trainer patting the side of Topsy’s body during the final trick
were convinced the elephant and the man were best friends, though in fact the
look of reverie on Topsy’s face was the result of his daydreaming about
stomping and crushing the cruel a**hole’s head like an overripe melon.”

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Article source: PETA Files

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